"You okay?"
How many times a day do you have this conversation with someone a day? How many times does someone else have this conversation with you everyday?
Try this:
"You okay?"
"I'll be fine."
Better? Well, that kind of depends on what better is. For one, it is better on some level, because the other individual in this interaction is acknowledging that there is something that could be made better. [Here I'd like to clarify that every "I'm fine" is not a morose statement in and of themselves. Most people are usually "fine" but sometimes you can tell something else is going on. More on this later]. To come to a conclusion on whether this response is better or not, many factors come into play. Are you close with this person? Do you know whether or not they have the capability to take care of themselves?
What I'm trying to get at here is that people don't just randomly ask "are you okay?" Usual greetings would be a nod, or a "hey there" or something along those lines. The question itself is usually prompted by certain other cues, such as a pained/confused expression, posture, etc. Asking this question means that this person, on some level, is interested in engaging in conversation with you.
Again, if we are "fine," then it's great that we let well enough be. But if something is bothering us, why is the go to response "I'm fine"? What is this obsession with maintaining a composure of perfection?
Vulnerability.
It's hard to trust anybody. A random stranger doesn't need to know your life. An acquaintance doesn't need to know your life. A friend doesn't... need to know your life (?). Family... doesn't need to... know?
We're all afraid of being vulnerable, giving a piece of ourselves to someone else. Human interaction is complex and hard and varied. Where's the guarantee that this person is going to keep your issues to themselves? Even if they do, where is the guarantee that they will be in your life forever? Or even through the period of this crisis? If they aren't, then you've essentially just wasted all this energy on something that doesn't even deliver on the outcome. There are so many avenues of vulnerable that it becomes hard to pick and choose where to be, who to be with, etc.
Another issue is the fact that emotions aren't permanent. A particular message in a particular song might piss you off beyond measure for an entire day. Then, you might not feel as intensely the next. But when someone inquires what is wrong, and you tell them, that emotion, in one world (between you and said person), gains legitimacy. But, maybe it isn't important enough to gain legitimacy (in your head, of course; psychologists would beg to differ). Maybe you just don't want it to.
Expectations. Once you expose a side of yourself to someone, it might become a thing for them to want to talk to you about just that issue in multiple interactions, when maybe you're over it, or maybe that wasn't even in your head and now it's there and it sucks again. Human interaction is complex.
For me, being vulnerable is a... rare feat, especially with other people. The way that I've been raised and the circumstances of my life have taught me how to take care of myself physically, emotionally, mentally. I know what I want, where I'm going, what I'm feeling, at all times. My sense of self is very ingrained in my head, and to explain the web of connections and structure of stability that I've built up in my head to someone else is just too much effort that it isn't worth it.
But when I am, this is where it happens. In my writing. In my head, my writing is an extension of myself. The thoughts that are so solid in my head, written out on paper. It's not much different than thinking. But this blog is a weird balance (?) between the two.
For one, it's open to everybody. How come it's easier to expose that to every person in my life rather than individuals? It takes away the personal connection. If everyone knows about something that is happening in my life, there is no "trust" element. So basically, I'm protecting myself from being hurt. The crux of vulnerability. Huh. So, I'm protecting myself from vulnerability, which is supposed to be the entire point of writing. Hence, the reason the existence of this blog is perplexing.
But a point I'd like to make is that no matter how scary or confusing or fragile it feels, being vulnerable is so important. Something I'm learning about the world through my one-on-one interactions is that even if not for you, being vulnerable is important for the sake of the people that love and appreciate you. If all I do is talk about things that aren't really important, than how is anyone supposed to feel like they are on equal footing with me? I don't need new people to "be there for me." I have a vast and solid support system. But I realize that this is definitely not the case for most people, and that they are still in the process of building this system (Look out for a post on support systems in the future). I think I am an incredible person to have in someone's support system (I very much embrace my narcissism so you don't need to point that out to me), and in order to get there, I definitely need to expose my own insecurities and doubts in order to establish a mutual relationship.
On the flip side, it is important for many people that don't function like me to be vulnerable for their own sake. Spend the time getting to know yourself, and if you determine that you need to talk to other people, no filter, then do it. Taking care of yourself is the most significant step to reaching absolutely any goal you set for yourself.
One final thing about this I'd like to say at the moment is that who you are vulnerable is a very serious consideration. Reading people is hard! Don't jeopardize your standing in the world by trusting everyone. Pick and choose your people. [For me, if these people end up "betraying" me, I take solace in the fact that it was because of something I did {choosing said person to be one of my people} that this happened to me. There is cause and effect. But this process might not work for many people. Again, knowing yourself is important, so do that.]
Now to bring it back to the top: next time you ask someone if they are fine, please make sure you care enough, because if they decide to trust you with whatever it is, then there is no going back (unless you want to hurt someone). Next time you get asked if you're fine, ask yourself that before going to the default answer. Try to think of how to better articulate your state. Even if you don't want to discuss it with this specific individual, you should try to give them something that makes them feel like they have some say in the interaction.
Finally, get to know yourself, and let others get to know you. Humans are wonderful, human interaction is beautiful, and we're all in the same boat in terms of life throwing things at us that we can't comprehend. It is in your best interest to take advantage of what you are given.
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