Skip to main content

Reflections | It's Been a Long Time

Imagine me in a program put together for my building, sitting at a desk in front of the elevators, giving instructions to everyone entering that we have candy on the first 4 floors of the building, and they should get a goodie-bag and go Trick-or-Treat with Terrace (my building). Taylor Swift comes on, I'm lip-syncing with my best friends, stopping when new people come in to pester them about the event. Then, Rihanna, and I've abandoned my position at the desk and am dancing in the lobby by myself, letting everyone else take care of instructing the flustered-yet-entertained residents.
Now you're probably going, "why am I imagining this? I've already seen this happen in real life. You practically do this all the freaking time it's so annoying I don't want to imagine this scenario any more." Fair.

So lets go back to this summer. This same me, this person that's singing and dancing and being boisterous in front of at least hundreds of strangers, is going to a school reunion in Bangladesh. I'm freaking out, so many thoughts swirling in my head. What do I wear? Do I revert to my geeky self, with an oversized polo tucked into baggy jeans and sandle-shoes, so that the people I'm meeting for the first time in 6 years can feel a sense of familiarity with me? Or am I supposed to be the impeccably dressed, ultra-confident person that I am, and just say to hell with what they think I am based on what I was? Will there be familiar faces, will they care? What about the ones that didn't like me, the ones that spread rumors and whispered about my sexuality and talked about my flamboyant hand gestures and total lack of athletic ability? Do they know that I can finish an entire set of bleachers, up and down every 1200 steps, in 15 and a half minutes? Do I tell them?

I change, obviously. We all do. Life happens, and months, maybe even days later, we aren't the same. Like, we are the same person, but somehow different. Everyone knows how this feels so I'm not going to elaborate anymore because my things are always so wordy.

But can you imagine me, Wahid, flustered in a crowd? Can you imagine me following around my best friend Maisha, hoping she introduces me to at least one person that I can converse with without feeling awkward or uncomfortable or like I came in my PJs to a 3-piece suit event?

As I entered that restaurant, I reverted. Suddenly, all that socialization I had mastered, all that armor I had built, came crashing down. I was back to the slightly-chubby, wide-eyed boy that was worrying about saying the right thing that would impress the other guy kids so they'd maybe pretend I was one of them?

Here's the weird thing: most of the people I'm referencing weren't even at this reunion dinner. Almost all the people I wanted to see weren't there, but the ones that I did recognize there, I actually had fond memories of. But still, in that environment, with that crowd, I wasn't myself. I mean, I was, just the myself that exists in that locked up box in the corner of my mind. And as I stood in that box, it wasn't so little anymore. So I just observed everyone else laughing and socializing, trying to add in a comment here and there.

I beat myself up about it. After the event ended and I went window shopping with Maisha in the rain and then returned home, I beat myself up. Why did I make a complete fool of myself? Why didn't I just turn on the charm that literally nobody can resist being drawn to? Why did I publicly speak the words "I'm usually not this awkward, you gotta believe me"?You know that saying, "leave the past in the past"? That's utter bull. Your past is a part of you, it's constantly there, and it's not going anywhere. But that's not a bad thing.

I tried to run away from my past self (at least the school version; the family and family friend version was more in tune with who I still am), kept it locked up in my head, denied it, made lighthearted jokes about it, and it came running back to bite me in the ass. But it mattered. It played a huge part in shaping who I was in Maryland, and it (in addition to who I was in Maryland) play a huge part in who I am at UCLA. They are all connected, intertwined to make me, me.

So as I head to Maryland in less than two weeks, I need to remember to not revert back to what I was in high school. I need to be the me that I am currently, and instead of adjusting to my environment, let it adjust to me. I owe that to my present, and I owe that to my past.
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Perspectives | On Therapy

I am grateful to my therapist and to myself that I embarked on this journey. There is no shame in me accepting this opportunity to grow, and I will add increasing mental health service access to my long list of contributions I want to make to this world before I meet my maker.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Hey ya'll! I'm going to try a new posting schedule for my blog, once a week. This is because 1. I love writing and almost never do it without being prompted and 2. my therapist tells me routines are good. Overview Speaking of therapy, let's speak. I started going to therapy when I was a Junior in college, coming off of the 2016 presidential election. Born and raised in Bangladesh, where mental health is not a topic worthy of being discussed, I was not taught to think of myself as someone who "needed" therapy. This kind of thought process stems from social conditioning, which makes us feel like if we are not capable of dea...
Post a Comment
Read more

Reflections | It's All About Perspective

How do you define reality? Do we dictate what is real? Determine each and every component of our existence, debate, dwindle, and finally decide which parts are real and what is fantasy? Is it all real, and we just label fantasy that which we do not have the ability to cope with/comprehend? I've been having the best time at college. These past few days have been some of the most precious of my life, and I've encountered so many dynamic, energetic, curious and intelligent students, all of them equally as enthusiastic about calling this amazing University their home. Today, on the way back from a massive volunteering project, a few of us had a discussion on Literature. We talked everything from Shakespeare, to classics, to Dan Brown, all the way to The Hunger Games and Divergent. We talked about what actually makes literature one of the elements that holds society together, and the immense amount of creativity and dedication that is required to create world after world. CA...
Post a Comment
Read more

Perspectives | Midterms, Minorities, and Myths

It's only been 2 years, since both houses of Congress and the Executive Branch began an all-out war on human rights and diversity. This is going to be a fight we're going to be fighting for a long time to come, so encouraging a narrative of defeat is absolutely detrimental to the cause. We took back a House, and at least 7 governor seats (2 more too, hopefully). That's progress, even when we don't look at the sheer diversity of the candidates that got elected. I'm going to celebrate these wins, because people like us rarely ever get to do so.  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ You can't take my youth away. This soul of mine will never break. As long as I wake up today, You can't take my youth away. Shawn Mendes and Khalid just released their video for the song Youth, which includes messages of hope, love, and perseverance, interspersed with videos of the youth in all their spectacularly talented glory. It's linked he...
Post a Comment
Read more