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Reflections | It's Been a Long Time

Imagine me in a program put together for my building, sitting at a desk in front of the elevators, giving instructions to everyone entering that we have candy on the first 4 floors of the building, and they should get a goodie-bag and go Trick-or-Treat with Terrace (my building). Taylor Swift comes on, I'm lip-syncing with my best friends, stopping when new people come in to pester them about the event. Then, Rihanna, and I've abandoned my position at the desk and am dancing in the lobby by myself, letting everyone else take care of instructing the flustered-yet-entertained residents.
Now you're probably going, "why am I imagining this? I've already seen this happen in real life. You practically do this all the freaking time it's so annoying I don't want to imagine this scenario any more." Fair.

So lets go back to this summer. This same me, this person that's singing and dancing and being boisterous in front of at least hundreds of strangers, is going to a school reunion in Bangladesh. I'm freaking out, so many thoughts swirling in my head. What do I wear? Do I revert to my geeky self, with an oversized polo tucked into baggy jeans and sandle-shoes, so that the people I'm meeting for the first time in 6 years can feel a sense of familiarity with me? Or am I supposed to be the impeccably dressed, ultra-confident person that I am, and just say to hell with what they think I am based on what I was? Will there be familiar faces, will they care? What about the ones that didn't like me, the ones that spread rumors and whispered about my sexuality and talked about my flamboyant hand gestures and total lack of athletic ability? Do they know that I can finish an entire set of bleachers, up and down every 1200 steps, in 15 and a half minutes? Do I tell them?

I change, obviously. We all do. Life happens, and months, maybe even days later, we aren't the same. Like, we are the same person, but somehow different. Everyone knows how this feels so I'm not going to elaborate anymore because my things are always so wordy.

But can you imagine me, Wahid, flustered in a crowd? Can you imagine me following around my best friend Maisha, hoping she introduces me to at least one person that I can converse with without feeling awkward or uncomfortable or like I came in my PJs to a 3-piece suit event?

As I entered that restaurant, I reverted. Suddenly, all that socialization I had mastered, all that armor I had built, came crashing down. I was back to the slightly-chubby, wide-eyed boy that was worrying about saying the right thing that would impress the other guy kids so they'd maybe pretend I was one of them?

Here's the weird thing: most of the people I'm referencing weren't even at this reunion dinner. Almost all the people I wanted to see weren't there, but the ones that I did recognize there, I actually had fond memories of. But still, in that environment, with that crowd, I wasn't myself. I mean, I was, just the myself that exists in that locked up box in the corner of my mind. And as I stood in that box, it wasn't so little anymore. So I just observed everyone else laughing and socializing, trying to add in a comment here and there.

I beat myself up about it. After the event ended and I went window shopping with Maisha in the rain and then returned home, I beat myself up. Why did I make a complete fool of myself? Why didn't I just turn on the charm that literally nobody can resist being drawn to? Why did I publicly speak the words "I'm usually not this awkward, you gotta believe me"?You know that saying, "leave the past in the past"? That's utter bull. Your past is a part of you, it's constantly there, and it's not going anywhere. But that's not a bad thing.

I tried to run away from my past self (at least the school version; the family and family friend version was more in tune with who I still am), kept it locked up in my head, denied it, made lighthearted jokes about it, and it came running back to bite me in the ass. But it mattered. It played a huge part in shaping who I was in Maryland, and it (in addition to who I was in Maryland) play a huge part in who I am at UCLA. They are all connected, intertwined to make me, me.

So as I head to Maryland in less than two weeks, I need to remember to not revert back to what I was in high school. I need to be the me that I am currently, and instead of adjusting to my environment, let it adjust to me. I owe that to my present, and I owe that to my past.
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